Are you wanting to thrive, or just survive?

As a new mother, are you wanting to thrive, or just survive?

Over the last week I’ve heard, across multiple forums, Women either saying that they will just ‘wait and see’ as to whether they need postpartum support, or saying that their partner isn’t on board with investing in postpartum support. Sadder still, I’ve seen many mothers in early postpartum reaching out on social media groups for words of wisdom because they are struggling postpartum and have NO POSTPARTUM SUPPORT in place, whether that be family, friends or paid support. My heart breaks when I read these womens words.

I’m blessed now to be living in a beautifully supportive community. Just this week a new birth was announced in our village and the first 3 weeks of meals was organised by neighbours within 12 hours of the call going out! It’s pretty special. And even with this support this new mamas postpartum is likely to challenge her to her core. I’m not saying this to create fear around Motherhood. I say this because I see Mothers struggling time and again, or I hear about it ONCE they have gone through the fog and have come out the other side a few years later. Motherhood challenges you, and the early days, especially, can be a huge shift. It’s not just the lack of sleep and being responsible for a tiny human for the first time, but when our baby is born, we ourselves are born as a new mother. A new version of ourselves arises…and finding our way in this new skin can take time. Not just weeks, but months, and often years. When we become a newborn mother we need and deserve the same care we ourselves provide to our new baby. So who is responsible for nurturing YOU? How would that look and feel?

When planning postpartum, many women see their partner as the answer, but they going through their own rite of passage too - as a Father. They are just getting by and have no real idea about what is needed to nurture a new mother in this time. How could they? Our culture is , with respect, pretty terrible at nurturing new mothers. How often do visitors appear to “Meet the new baby” empty handed, or at best, with a gift for the baby. Generally, as a visitor, they are then ’hosted’ by the new mother. Sometimes the mother feels she needs to retreat in to a separate room to feed baby. It’s completely back to front. Visitors should be bringing food, offering to help around the house, waiting on the new mother. Making sure that the Mother and baby are comfortable, doing and being however they need. So it’s no wonder our partners have little idea about optimal postpartum care.  

If you are preparing for postpartum, or newly postpartum (within the first 6-12 months) I invite you to ask yourself these question:

1. What would a thriving postpartum look like?

2. What would you need to put in place to make this a reality?

3. What is one small step you could take towards this?

These are the questions I love supporting Women to answer for themselves. These are the questions, if acted upon, can make the difference between surviving and THRIVING. Don’t we all want to thrive?

If these words call you, and you’d like to prepare to thrive during your postpartum period then please get in touch at anne@blissfulmothers.com.au or use the contact button below.

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"I had too much postpartum support" said no Mother ever!

When women support each other incredible things happen.

I’ve seen this time and again. It’s magical. Yet it’s not, in my experience, the norm…often because we don’t ALLOW ourselves to be supported. So many women, especially mothers, are judging themselves so harshly and we are so busy trying to come across as a  ‘competent mother’ and a ‘capable individual’ that we don’t always let people in on our struggles. Even those close to us.

I was reminded over the weekend just how challenging being mother to a newborn is, and how isolated we can feel if things aren’t going as well as we think they should. If we aren’t coping as well as we think we should we conclude it must be US. That being a mother is coming easy to everyone else and the we are the only ones not handling it. The big secret is, you are not alone in this.  So, so many of us have been there, myself included. It’s a rare soul that has it all sorted. Some are just better at hiding it than others. The thing is we are all so busy hiding our struggles we miss the opportunity both for connecting over those struggles and for receiving support.

Mama’s, this gig is tough. Even with some support around us, it rarely matches the support we need as new mothers, the support seen in so many other cultures. We were never meant to parent as a nuclear family. We were meant to parent in community and with the support of community. 

I get how hard it can be to even organise yourself. How hard it can be to ask for or even accept help when it’s offered. But know that you ARE deserving of support. You deserve to be looked after, to be cooked for, to have someone else look after the daily or weekly chores. To be nourished with food, so that YOU can focus on rest, to heal from birth and bond with your baby. It’s how it is MEANT to be. 

So, how can you get that support? What are your options?

• Call on your family and friends. Make use of meal train to ensure meals for the first month (or at least the first few weeks) are organised without you lifting a finger. Assign people to help with specific things, like picking your older kids up from daycare /school, doing the shopping, organising the laundry, giving the house a vacuum, to give you a foot rub. We often think we are imposing on others by asking for help, but most people LOVE to feel helpful. Helping people makes us feel good. My advice would be to be clear about the type of help you want so you get your needs met, rather than their efforts of help ending up being addition stress or irritation.

• Get professionals in to fill the gaps. A cleaner, childcare, gardener, someone to do the laundry, a massage therapist. Whatever will allow YOU to relax. It’s worth getting these services in place so you have already built a relationship and know you can rely on them, also that you are comfortable with them being in your space (if the service requires)

• Arrange specific postpartum support, similar to above, but postpartum doulas and the like are focused specifically on your needs at that time. Postpartum Doula and what they offer will vary somewhat, some have particular expertise, but all should be there for YOU!

• Look at whether there are any community initiatives in your area. Gradually the need for greater support for new Mothers is beginning to be recognised. The Meals for Mamas initiative is a great example, where local volunteers cook for new mothers in the area, often co-ordinated through Facebook or other social media platforms.

• Lastly, never underestimate the value of emotional support, whether it be through connecting with your friends, through a mothers circle, a like minded mums group or through a professional you resonate with (this could be a postpartum doula, it may be a therapist, counsellor or social worker with an specific interest in supporting mothers). I’ve listed this one last, but I’ll be honest, personally, when things are going to sh*t, it’s this that can really turn my day or week around.

Think about what support you may need postpartum BEFORE baby arrives. Feel in to what might be right for you. It’s so much easier to have it in place before the birth than to be trying to co-ordinate support once you are overtired, emotional and juggling the needs of a newborn.  

Remember “I had too much postpartum support” said no mother ever!!

I’ll soon be available again for postpartum support, along with my current Birth Mentoring and Mothers Circles services, but in the meantime, feel free to contact me for 1:1 birth preparation or postpartum planning sessions, or if you need help finding a postpartum doula near you. There’s also a helpful directory of postpartum workers on the Newborn Mothers website at https://newbornmothers.com/directory#!directory/ord=rnd