When women support each other incredible things happen.
I’ve seen this time and again. It’s magical. Yet it’s not, in my experience, the norm…often because we don’t ALLOW ourselves to be supported. So many women, especially mothers, are judging themselves so harshly and we are so busy trying to come across as a ‘competent mother’ and a ‘capable individual’ that we don’t always let people in on our struggles. Even those close to us.
I was reminded over the weekend just how challenging being mother to a newborn is, and how isolated we can feel if things aren’t going as well as we think they should. If we aren’t coping as well as we think we should we conclude it must be US. That being a mother is coming easy to everyone else and the we are the only ones not handling it. The big secret is, you are not alone in this. So, so many of us have been there, myself included. It’s a rare soul that has it all sorted. Some are just better at hiding it than others. The thing is we are all so busy hiding our struggles we miss the opportunity both for connecting over those struggles and for receiving support.
Mama’s, this gig is tough. Even with some support around us, it rarely matches the support we need as new mothers, the support seen in so many other cultures. We were never meant to parent as a nuclear family. We were meant to parent in community and with the support of community.
I get how hard it can be to even organise yourself. How hard it can be to ask for or even accept help when it’s offered. But know that you ARE deserving of support. You deserve to be looked after, to be cooked for, to have someone else look after the daily or weekly chores. To be nourished with food, so that YOU can focus on rest, to heal from birth and bond with your baby. It’s how it is MEANT to be.
So, how can you get that support? What are your options?
Call on your family and friends. Make use of meal train to ensure meals for the first month (or at least the first few weeks) are organised without you lifting a finger. Assign people to help with specific things, like picking your older kids up from daycare /school, doing the shopping, organising the laundry, giving the house a vacuum, to give you a foot rub. We often think we are imposing on others by asking for help, but most people LOVE to feel helpful. Helping people makes us feel good. My advice would be to be clear about the type of help you want so you get your needs met, rather than their efforts of help ending up being addition stress or irritation.
Get professionals in to fill the gaps. A cleaner, childcare, gardener, someone to do the laundry, a massage therapist. Whatever will allow YOU to relax. It’s worth getting these services in place so you have already built a relationship and know you can rely on them, also that you are comfortable with them being in your space (if the service requires)
Arrange specific postpartum support, similar to above, but postpartum doulas and the like are focused specifically on your needs at that time. Postpartum Doula and what they offer will vary somewhat, some have particular expertise, but all should be there for YOU!
Look at whether there are any community initiatives in your area. Gradually the need for greater support for new Mothers is beginning to be recognised. The Meals for Mamas initiative is a great example, where local volunteers cook for new mothers in the area, often co-ordinated through Facebook or other social media platforms.
Lastly, never underestimate the value of emotional support, whether it be through connecting with your friends, through a mothers circle, a like minded mums group or through a professional you resonate with (this could be a postpartum doula, it may be a therapist, counsellor or social worker with an specific interest in supporting mothers). I’ve listed this one last, but I’ll be honest, personally, when things are going to sh*t, it’s this that can really turn my day or week around.
Think about what support you may need postpartum BEFORE baby arrives. Feel in to what might be right for you. It’s so much easier to have it in place before the birth than to be trying to co-ordinate support once you are overtired, emotional and juggling the needs of a newborn.
Remember “I had too much postpartum support” said no mother ever!!
I’ll soon be available again for postpartum support, along with my current Birth Mentoring and Mothers Circles services, but in the meantime, feel free to contact me for 1:1 birth preparation or postpartum planning sessions, or if you need help finding a postpartum doula near you. There’s also a helpful directory of postpartum workers on the Newborn Mothers website at https://newbornmothers.com/directory#!directory/ord=rnd
